If love is the strongest uniting force in the world, then going through heartbreaks can be as intense on the other spectrum. Science has even shown that the surge of stress hormones, such as adrenaline and increase in cortisol caused by a breakup can actually activate that part of the brain associated with physical injury like chest pain and panic attack! It feels particularly bad when you are taken by surprise with the news of being dumped (it hurts as I am typing this!). So don’t blame yourself for feeling crushed especially when you have no friends and families are around!
Below are some incredibly hard breakup scenarios. Fret not! it’s also pretty common, so we have experience to share:
How to move on when you are still in love with your ex
“One day we are so close, the next day we are strangers”
—this is something I feel deeply myself and also shared among my friends and my club members.
Accept your feelings, understand it’s completely normal to still carry affection for your ex (unless it’s for a prolonged period and it’s affecting your daily life). Alas, all those fond memories together and dreams of a future. While you channel your unrequited feelings for your ex with various ways like jorunally or talking to a therapist online, it’s equally IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE TRUTH OF THE SITUATION. Live in present tense and don’t hold onto hope about the future you imagined. Have a list of dealbreakers of your past relationship come in handy when you find yourself.
When you just move away from your partner to live alone
As much as we want to have friends and our support system around us, everyone faces different circumstances, it can be the case where you have to move out from living with your ex with no family or friends around you. Depending on how much you can afford, you will have to put you big girl (or boy) pants on, put together a list of items that are most essential to you, and find a new place that you can afford as soon as possible. It’s a good idea contact a local support organising for family issues or moving out for free support. In situations where relationship is strained, it might be best to pack the rest of your belongings where the ex is away, use a professional moving team if your budget allows.
How to cope with being alone after a break up
As much as we can distract ourselves by staying busy, you need time alone to properly mourn you loss of an important relationship. Grief, in all forms, are undeniably tough, but it’s also a proof that you have the ability to love and connect deeply, and hence you felt the loss. It’s part of human life and also an trivial part of the healing process. This time
Remember you are never truly alone even if you are not surrounded by friends. You can go out to a cafe, take a walk in your favourite neighbourhood or even go to your CLOSEST SALON to get a hair spa if you find prolonged period of being alone too depressing. You can always say hi to or initiate a chat with someone you felt safe.
13 tips to deal with breakup ALL ALONE with no friends (FAST!):
When the wound is still fresh….
- Give yourself time to grieve
It’s ok to take a day off or two. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, whether it’s sadness, anger, or frustration. Don’t try to suppress your feelings or rush the healing process. - Watch Ted Talks
Being sad all the time is tiring, but it’s also hard to stop our brain from replaying the sad scene until we replace it something good. My favourite thing to do is to watch Ted Talks that resonates with my scenario. It’s short enough for me to get through and I always, ALWAYS feel empowered by the end of it. Here is my favourite one by Guy Winch that helps me get through painful times when who I thought is the love of my life, dumped me without any warning while I’m facing a business crisis😭(IKR?!) .
3. Have a list of your former partner’s dealbreaker come in handy
Sometimes it’s hard to stop our negative feelings but we are not eating or resting right. The hard truth is, breakups aren’t all bad. Do we really deserve someone who can leave us like that? It’s impossible for any relationship to be perfect especially if a breakup happen. Write down a list of things that you don’t like about your ex. Read it when you really really miss him or if the sudden urge to call your ex (or waiting for him or her outside their homes) come up.
4. Practice the easiest self-care thing you can do
I have never been a big skincare person, so doing the entire skincare ritual from body scrub to facial sounds a little bit tiring to me. However, I managed to light my favourite scented candle and make myself a herbal tea.
It’s also a good idea to listen to guided meditation like headspace if the rumination is affecting your sleep.
5. SCIBBLE TF out of your notepad (or more gently.. journal)
Remember that the healing process is a not a straight line, one moment we felt empowered after 3 Ted Talks, and the next moment we have this burning rage to stalk our ex with his new gf (oops!) on social media. Let’s handle it the adult way, I like to scribble (hard) on my notebook, tear out the papers, CRUMPLE It, and throw it away. Trust me, it’s better than throwing you iPhone away.
6. Get off social media for a bit
Don’t just unfollow your ex. Breaking up is perhaps the worst time to see everyone’s highlight reel. It’s ok to stop seeing how much fun other people are having. It’s ok not to be strong all the time!
When it starts to feel slightly more manageable
It me it takes at least 2 weeks to a month before I even have the strength to make plans to go out properly.
The magic word that heals me completely from my heartbreak is really “PROGRESS” (I’m not kidding, it took me 1.5 years at least). From reading a new book, attending a workshop or learning a new skill, all this can help a great deal..
7. Distract yourself with binge-able hobbies but avoid using alcohol or drugs
Hey, remember the list of manga, Netflix shows, movies or light-hearted novels we are too guilty to watch during weekdays? Now is the time to indulgel yourself a little with shows you love!
8. Make a PROGRESS
Do you have a list of things I always wanted to learn or try? If not, start thinking of the things you like. I remembered picking the easiest one on the list, and just press sign up in a heartbeat. (It was attending a workshop to learn frontend coding in case you are curious) It was short but also not cheap, so I tried my best to pay attention. Magic happens when you focus on a new thing and make a progress. Unlike the guilty pleasure of eating your favourite junk food, the feeling of fulfillment is there to stay.
I ended up meeting so many inspiring people in my course which in turn encouraged me to start my own business! How bizarre that life can turn out if we just keep walking!
9. Discover yourself a bit more
Be it your strength, your new hobbies. Believe me, there is a lot to discover when you are experience your first time cooking for yourself lone, your first weekend alone or your first time living alone.
10. Seek support from therapist or join a local support group
Seeing a therapist is no longer a taboo. You can do it online or in person, both for therapy and support group, whenever you are. A support group can provide a sense of community and a safe space for you to vent with people going through the same thing.
11. Know that almost everyone has to go through a breakup in their lives (the average number is 3, actually)
Did you know that breakup happens to almost all adults? I know you may feel impossible to love again (I have been there), but one failed relationship DOESN’T equate to the end of your dating life. Breakup actually helps you to find someone that suits you better as we learn from our mistakes.
I know it’s easier said than done, but you will see the silver linings of these blessing in disguise down the road. Join our community or get in touch with me if you are a girl needing community support in your self development journey.
12. Build a healthy routine & stay active
Studies reveal that it’s almost impossible to sustain a positive outlook in life if you are sleep deprived. Start prioritising your rest time after your sleepless nights (or weeks) – that seem like an eternity, I know. When you are well rest, start incorporating some simple movement like a 10 minute Yoga workout on YouTube to your mornings or night. That way, we also increase our resilience towards other rough patches in life in the future.
13. Try the giving mindset, instead of just receiving
As much as we are tempted to ask everyone around to lend us their ears to listen to our bad experience, research actually shows that “givers” are more successful in lives. There is a remarkable healing power when we stop thinking our own problems for a bit and actually reach out to care for a friend.
Being alone can be a good time for personal reflection adn growth. It’s a good time to think about what are the causes you stand for and give back. Volunteer can we a good way not just to help but increase the image on how we see ourselves. Author and Professor Adam Grant has explained in this New York times article on how givers succeed in a way that creates a ripple effect, enhancing the success of people around them.
Other common FAQ after a breakup
Can you be friends with you ex after a breakup?
Don’t rush into it, it’s best to take some time to let go of the romantic feeling first. According to psychologist Mark Travers suggested that there’s nothing wrong in becoming friends with an ex who is supportive, motivating and actually care for you. Nonetheless, if you mix unresolved romantic desires into the friendship, things are can get murky.
Is it normal to lose friends after a breakup?
Yes, it might be hard to be friends with your ex’ friends or worse, those who side with your ex, as least not for the recent few months. To be frank, It’s going to hurt really bad, but hold and behold, new people and better friends will come into our lives when we are ready.
Conclusion
Don’t be afraid to “break” after a breakup. The most important thing is to know that we all fall at times but rise up stronger on the other end. It’s just matter of time.
Do you agree with what I’ve suggested? Feel free to tell me in the comment below!
