10 steps to Get over adult friendship breakup (REAL STORY!)

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You two were basically inseparable for years, and now she has a new excuse each time you ask her out. Here is my friendship breakup story: my girl friend whom I’ve known for 2 decades decided to “breakup” with me because she felt after I “blamed” her when she couldn’t make an important event of mine when she was sick. Ouch, I FEEL YOU, that hurts, I was cut out before I even had the chance to explain. Let’s face it, breaking up with a close friend that you have shared many memories and experiences together hurts as much as one with a romantic partner. Nonetheless, friendship breakups are quite common as humans grow apart with different priorities and seasons in our lives. Let’s dive into the most common causes of friendship breakups and the 10 best tips to heal from loss with real-life examples! Finally, we’ll discuss how to stop obsessing over a lost friendship and find closure.

What causes a friendship breakup (with my own example)?

There are many reasons why a friendship might come to an end. Sometimes, friendships simply fizzle out over time as people grow apart as their priorities change. Other times, a friendship might end suddenly due to a disagreement, a betrayal, or a change in circumstances such as moving away. Here are some common causes of friendship breakups that you might never thought of:

– Disagreements or conflicts: Just like in my case, I thought I’m being honest about how I felt, but my friend I’m guilt-tripping her and she just couldn’t take it anymore. While I think it’s a resolvable difference, she didn’t think it was worth solving given her other priorities in life. As much as it sucks, I have to respect her decision. When friends encountered a major value conflict and one party decided not wanting to put any further effort to resolve it, the friendship can come to an end. 

– Unbalanced friendship: Remember that any relationships are both ways. If one friend feels like they are putting in more effort or giving more in the friendship than the other, it can lead to resentment and eventually the end of the friendship.

– Betrayal or trust issues: If one friend betrays the other’s trust in a significant way, it can be difficult for the friendship to recover.

– Different life stages: If one friend gets married, has children, or otherwise enters a different life stage than the other, it can be challenging to maintain the friendship.

– Lack of communication: If the friends don’t communicate regularly or have different communication styles, it can lead to misunderstandings and eventually the end of the friendship.

– Mentally instability (this may be more common than you think!): with the increasing stress level and less connection between people (especially since we are all just learning to live life again post-covid), depression is more commonplace than you think and it usually goes undetected. I remember a few friends of mine kept rejecting to hang out with our group of friends and entirely vanished. We found out a few years that she had been battling with depression then. 

How does a friendship breakup feel (real people example below)?

This type of loss can leave you feeling hurt, angry, and confused. It can also feel like rejection,  isolation, and loneliness as it. 

One user on Reddit even described “life feeling meaningless and hollow” after being cut out by a former best friend after doing something wrong. 

Why? Because as an adult, we tend to already develop friendships for a long time, sharing memories we treated and developing strong emotional bonds, a sense of mutual trust, and support. Here is a great article on why true friendship feels so precious. Losing something we treasure, will trigger our grief response, see more support on how grief affects our brain from the National Library of Medicine here. 

Additionally,  as humans, we are social creatures and rely on social connections to feel valued, supported, and a sense of belonging. The ending of a long-standing friendship will definitely disrupt our social network. 

10 Steps to Get Over a Friendship Breakup Effectively:

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve: Just like any other loss, it’s important to allow yourself to grieve the end of the friendship. Don’t hold back your tears, here are some benefits of crying if you need an extra reason to your emotions out! Give yourself permission to feel your emotions and process them in a healthy way.

2. Take Responsibility for Your Part: It’s easy to blame the other person for the end of the friendship, but it’s important to take responsibility for your own actions and behaviors that may have contributed to the breakup.

Use the experience as an opportunity to reflect on what you learned about yourself and your relationships. Consider how you can apply these lessons to future friendships.

3. Take Care of Yourself and Practice Self-Care: Take care of your physical and emotional health by getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.

4. Talk to an Objective Friend and Surround Yourself with Supportive People: A lot of times when we are in a heated debate, we might not be objective. We either blame the other person or blame ourselves too much. Talk to someone you trust, get some honest feedback (when you are ready). If you are feeling vulnerable, seek out the support of friends, family, or a therapist who can offer a listening ear and help you process your emotions.

5. Find closure or resolution (I FIND THIS MOST IMPORTANT!!): whether you are pondering about what went wrong or you are left in confusion about what happened, it’s important to have a channel to express your side of the story.

What do you do if the other person is not open to a chat? Try writing it down or talking to another friend about it. Writing down your emotions on paper can help you regain a sense of control in situations where you feel helpless and can’t fully comprehend what happened.

6. Take a Break from Social Media: Social media can trigger painful memories and reminders of friendship. Consider taking a break from social media or even unfollowing the person to help you move on.

7. Forgive the Other Person as well as YOURSELF: Forgiveness can be a powerful tool in the healing process. It doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened, but it can help you let go of anger and resentment.

8. Let Yourself Move On: It’s important to give yourself permission to move on from the friendship. This might mean letting go of mementos or memories that are holding you back.

9. Focus on Gratitude: Instead of focusing on what you’ve lost, try to focus on what you’re grateful for in your life. This can help shift your perspective and bring more positivity into your life.

10. Invest in New Relationships: Finally, invest in new relationships and friendships. This can help you move forward and create new positive experiences and memories.

How to Stop Obsessing Over a Lost Friendship:

Why do people sometimes obsess over lost friendships or relationships?

Here are some common causes that can lead to obsessing over a lost relationship:

• False hope in thinking that person will come back
• Idealizing the past and the relationship: sometimes that person is not right for us for a long time, but we just don’t see it
• The habit rumination and overthinking: do you find comfort in thinking and dwelling over “the good old times?” 
• Lack of hobbies, support or healthy coping mechanisms
• Personal insecurities: do you have a strong personal identity? Do you define yourself by your friends, your job and other external factor?
• Lack of closure or unresolved issues

Stories and Examples on how other people recover from friendship loss or grief:

It’s important to note that each person’s experience is unique and there can be many factors that contribute to obsessing over a lost relationship. If you find yourself obsessing over the lost friendship, here are some tips to help you find closure:

– Write a letter to the person (but don’t send it).

– Find closure by creating a ritual or symbolic gesture (you can burn your letter!) to mark the end of the friendship.

– Practice mindfulness and meditation to help you stay present and focused on the present moment.

– Seek out professional help if you’re struggling to move on.

Real people examples:

• By letting go: Celebrities Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato met on the set of “Barney & Friends” as kids in 2002, trust issues have brought them apart and the pair reconciled later after Lovato checked into rehab. But eventually, differences in values and life experiences set them on different paths. Sometimes we just have to accept when things don’t work out and let time give us the answers and healing that we deserve

• By seeing a therapist: My counsellor friend who worked for St John’s Cathedral Counselling Service said that it’s more common than we think that people seek help after falling out with their closest friends. Reddit user expressed “seeing light again” after visiting a therapist, so it’s definitely worth a try! 

My example on dealing with female friendship breakup

In my case, I pour time after that “heated debate” I had with my close girlfriend that I’ve known from university at that time and I started to see my part of the problem after half a year (haha, yes, it took me quite some time). 

I have come to terms that the way I need my friend is not what she can offer. She also already has other friends that she felt more comfortable with that she has met before me. It hurts me at first to learnt about these facts, but I have come into terms with it. Each time the memory bugged me, I just left it come and go, until it no longer hurts. 

When I feel I’m calm enough, I sent her a “final message” telling her as much as I miss our time spent together, I respect that you want to take time apart. 

So, what’s my key takeaway after dealing with the loss of different friendships? 

I found a deeper understanding of the impermanence of life. Not everyone is meant to be “your best friend” even if you think you guys really clicked, then I adjusted my expectation accordingly. Even if at one point you are close, you have to respect that seasons in life change.

Furthermore, the process of grief and loss can be complex and can take time to work through. It’s also possible to move on and find closure although it can feel difficult. It is essential to acknowledge and process the emotions that come with losing a friend!

I also learnt to value my close relationship when it’s lasting! A 💕 photo of some of them:

My lovely readers, add some extra positivity with these friendship affirmations to bring new friends and better friendships into your life when you are ready! Feel free to join us here if you are ready for some new girl friendship adventure!

FAQ

How long does it take to get over a friendship breakup?

Grieving over the loss of a strong bond can take up to 12 months (or more) according to an accredititated medical website. Nonetheless, it’s important to note that the amount of time it takes to get over a friendship breakup can vary depending on the individual and the circumstances of the breakup.

It’s crucial to allow yourself time to grieve and process your emotions, but try not to dwell on the situation for too long. With time, the pain will lessen, and you will begin to move on.

How do you treat a friendship breakup?

Losing a friendship can be a painful experience, By allowing yourself to grieve, taking responsibility for your part in the breakup, and practicing self-care, you can effectively get over a friendship breakup. Remember to focus on gratitude, invest in new relationships, and find closure as you move forward.