What to expect and is it going to work?
In an ideal world, a boyfriend or husband would cheer for his girl for making a killing, even if that means she’s surpassing his earning capacity. However, with 2023 around the corner, we are still not quite there yet. The fact that a girl is making a lot more than her man can still cause strain and sensitivities to the relationship.
This has happened to me and a couple of female entrepreneur friends, ranging from single, engaged to happily married. I have summarised some common (likely awkward) scenarios, what to watch out for, questions to ask yourself together with solutions to navigate through it drawing from real-life experience.
What to expect if your boyfriend is making much less than you
1. He might feel his masculinity being threatened.
Depending on how much more you are making than your partner, expect that there will be times that you get a major deal or a big pay raise and you feel bad flaunting your success if your partner is struggling financially. Is your man supportive and proud of you or is he someone with low self-esteem and insecurities? Will he ever make you feel bad about being successful? It’s good to observe if your boyfriend feels inferior about the money situation.
In Asian culture, in particular, it’s important for a man to be seen reaching for the bill when eating out, I have a girl friend who let her man pay for them both in a group dinner setting and then pay him back afterward; knowing that his paycheck couldn’t really afford to pay for the both of them.
2. He might have comments about the way you spend.
You guys are likely to have different values and concepts on money and spending habits. There are likely to be tiffs if you want him to join you eating out a hundred times a month or go to that fancy spa place for a couple sessions while he wants to save more.
3. You might be the person to “take him out”. Expect compromises.
Picnic in the park, cooking in the house, going to your place instead and other cheap or no-cost thrills are fun, nonetheless, it can definitely be a limiting experience too.
But hey, girls, it’s 2023, I’d say that further down the relationship, don’t hesitate to be the one buying tickets or settling bills if you feel comfortable doing so.
4. If marriage is your goal, it might take longer for both of you to get into a financially secure position.
Look, we are not in our early 20s (or 30s). We might not be living our dream lives with private jets just yet, but we should be paying our bills like adults and likely to be living outside of our childhood homes or at least start saving for the down payment for our future home. If things are getting serious in your relationship, it’s definitely worth a chat to understand where you both stand in terms of loan
5. He might lean on you financially.
A dose of reality, quoting my girlfriend who runs a couture boutique, she is hardworking and making good money herself that is more than double of his man’s salary. She said wryly to me one day when I asked about her boyfriend, “well, I don’t mind that he lives in my place not contributing to the rent, but he will just take money from the money jar where I put my change and small bills. I mean, like ALL of it, over USD70 – 80, almost daily! And he doesn’t think he needs to ask.” Freeriders aren’t hot, enough said.
“Is our relationship going to work?”
While the answer differs from case to case and is deeply personal, here are some good questions to start with.
6. Be 100% honest, is a man’s earning power a dealbreaker for you?
Try to understand the real reason why your partner is broke. Things from poor money management skills, laziness, lack of direction & motivation to detrimental habits like gambling, are red flags to watch. Staying broke, in the long run, can be problematic.
On the other hand, is this only a temporary state where your boyfriend decided to quit his job and chase his dreams? Will he catch up in a few years time? How long can you take this state? Will it be a financial burden to you? Be honest with yourself, because if you don’t, resentment will build up gradually.
7. Look at your partner as a whole
Don’t forget there are a lot of things money can’t buy. What was the reason that attracted you to him in the first place?
Is he showing love in other ways, like showering you with time, love & attention? Are they extra appreciative because of what you bring to the table? Does he have a great attitude like always trying his best, doing something for you like running errands and cooking dinner while opting for cheaper date options to ensure you are both happy? Does he have the potential to grow, both personally and financially?
There are plenty of stories around me with a man in the story who is kind and loving while making much less in the beginning. He eventually caught up in a matter of years.
Some women I’ve talked to mentioned that dating someone testified that being with someone with less money was one of the most freeing experiences. They can be generally less stuck-up and you don’t have to go 100% to impress him.
The issue is not that your man is broke or uneducated, but if he plans to stay that way.
8. What’s your idea of fairness in terms of common expense?
A common scenario: if you both proceed to move in together, and your income doubles your boyfriend’s, does it mean you have to pay double the share of the rent? What if one day your boyfriend makes more, do you expect him to pay more?
There is no single “correct” way to split expenses and your approach can change along the way. Can you split rent evenly while also covering more of the groceries expense to lessen your partner’s load? Have a candid and loving conversation and be creative about the solution.
9. Talk about future saving goals
Is he willing to contribute to save for your common future? Short term pleasures are less important if you both are committed to future finance goals to build a better life together.
10. Remember, you are no one’s SUGARMAMA
You should not be expected to pay more for everything we do as a couple just because your paycheck is bigger.
All in all, If you are ready for this relationship, and think that he’s the right person for you, I’d say that money shouldn’t be the sole purpose of giving up on a functional relationship.
Some advice on how to thrive in this challenging dynamic:
- Never use the fact that you are making more money as a leverage in a fight
- Be supportive in his work or passion project..
Just because you are earning more now doesn’t mean his work isn’t substantial. Never belittle anyone.
- Don’t leave him out of important financial decision making
Whether you are planning to make a big investment or buying something together, respect your partner and make decisions together as a team. Having empathy and compassion for his potential feelings of inadequacy will also do good in the relationship.
Conclusion
The closing of the income gap between men and women is becoming the norm. Research shows that 52% of the families in Australia have women as the main breadwinner, followed by 40% in the US, and 25% in the UK! So the challenges you are facing are more commonplace than you think. Hope you find this article helpful and good luck with you all, girls!
Do drop me an email if you have any questions and interesting stories to share!
