Hey girls, let’s talk about something tough today. Admitting the mistakes I’ve made in my friendships has been one of the hardest and most shameful things I’ve ever had to do. Being the bad person that breaks your friendship actually hurts a hell lot too. Nonetheless, it’s important to look at what caused your actions. In case you’re new here, I’m Constance! I was brought up in a traditional Catholic girls’ school from age 3 all the way to 18 (I know, it was a long time). Throughout those 15 years, I learned so much about girl friendship, mostly the hard way.
Before we dive in, I want to give you a virtual high-five for reading this. The friendship breakup must have bothered you for some time and I know you are ready to be a better friend! Let this be the first step to building amazing friendship onwards! ✨
Picture of me and my bestie taking (not the same “best friend” in this article🤫!!)
Growing up in an all-girls environment wasn’t always kind, especially when you’re nowhere near being one of the “cool girls.” My school was like a miniature version of society. The girls who were pretty, stylish, and good at sports always had the most friends and the teachers’ attention. With my thick glasses, acne-prone skin, and short & greasy hair, it’s no surprise I was pretty much invisible. I had good grades, but nothing that made me stand out. I still vividly remember my so-called “best friend” saying she had to wash her hands after accidentally touching my hair. 😥 Ouch.
As a teenager, I desperately craved attention and, unfortunately, I tried to get it in all the wrong ways. Here are the lessons that I learned the hard way, the ones that got me instant hate and taught me everything I know now.
1. Being a Total Show-Off
In many Asian cultures, being humble is key. But let’s be real, being a show-off will make you unpopular in any culture, haha. There was this one time I scored a 97% on an insanely difficult Math test where half the class failed. I might have even had the highest score. So when everyone was asking the teacher for a re-test, I stood up, proudly announced my score and said how easy I thought the test was. The immediate chorus of “boos” still rings in my ears. It wasn’t that I couldn’t read the room; I was just so desperate to prove my worth and have people finally look up to me.
2. Being Seen as “Thirsty” or “Extra”
In Cantonese, there’s a slang term, “發姣” (faat gaau), which is tricky to translate. It basically means acting overly flirtatious or seeking attention in a provocative way. Every girl knows this one. It’s written in the girl code as red flag #1 and was a death sentence in my school. It implies you’re trying too hard to get attention, which is always seen as inappropriate or desperate. Being the uncool girl that I was, I was eager to tell my friends all the “guys” that I had met and how soughtafter I was.
3. Following Friends Around Like a Lost Puppy
Real photo of myself after knowing my so-call “best girl friend” considered me her “dog”
It still hurts to admit this, but I used to think every girl in my little clique was so much cooler than me. I felt so plain and ugly all the time. Imagine a young girl in elementary school wanting to be invisible (hello, that’s me). I grew up in a very frugal home and wasn’t allowed to buy new clothes, stationery, or even a new school bag until my old one was literally falling apart. I envied how popular my friends were, and because I felt so inferior, I started depending on their approval for everything. I would just follow my “best friend’s” lead on where to hang out and what to do. The wake-up call came when she finally turned to me and said, “Stop following me around like a dog.” That’s when I knew I wasn’t a “friend”; I was an annoyance. Looking back, my friendship was not reciprocated and has not been valued.
4. Not Developing My Own Identity
This was a huge one. I spent so much time wanting to be like other people that I never figured out who I was. I think 20% of the problem was not knowing how to build my own confidence, but 80% was simply not believing I had anything special to offer. When you don’t value yourself, you can’t expect others to.
5. Being Different in a Conformity Environment
I’ve always had a curious and creative soul. I remember constantly asking questions in class because I genuinely wanted to learn. But in a reserved environment where you’re just supposed to be quiet, that didn’t go over well. I was aggressively hushed by classmates and even told off by teachers for not being “quiet.” I thought I was just being engaged, but they saw it as being disruptive. That feeling of being constantly repressed made me want to act out and be rebellious. It led to me doing things just for shock value, like using the “f” word in front of a teacher or trying to talk to the same guys as the popular girls, all in a desperate attempt to feel relevant.
6. Trying to Vibe with the Wrong Crowd
Looking back, I was trying so hard to fit in with people who weren’t right for me. Real friends don’t make you feel small. They ask about your life, they make you feel safe enough to be vulnerable, and they inspire you. The friends I had back then were mostly friends of convenience, and our values were totally different. They worshipped brand names and exchanged expensive gifts I could only dream of, which just made me feel more insecure and resentful.
7. Talking Behind Your Friends Back
For years, I felt like the sidekick in my own life. I wasn’t jealous of my friend’s things, her height, or her athletic skills. I just wanted someone to see me for once. And in a moment of weakness and deep insecurity, I did the worst thing you can do in a girl friendship: I started talking about her behind her back.
8. The Ultimate Betrayal
It got even worse when I broke the ultimate girl code by talking to a guy I knew she was interested in. This was me betraying my best friend in the worst way possible. It was a complete disaster.
9. Hiding Your Resentment
Because I was so afraid of being abandoned, I never voiced my true feelings. I never said, “Hey, that hurt,” or “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” Instead, I let all the small hurts and frustrations build up inside me until they turned into a quiet, toxic resentment. This is a classic red flag that can poison any relationship from the inside out.
The Aftermath & How to Forgive Yourself
One thing people don’t talk about is that the betrayer can hurt just as much as the person who was betrayed. After everything blew up, I basically ran away, continuing my studies in Canada. For years, I had nightmares about what happened. I carried so much guilt and shame.
The pain of a friendship breakup is real. I spent years in a friendship void, feeling completely alone. It wasn’t until I started facing my trauma and understanding why I did what I did—understanding the deep insecurity at the root of it all—that I could begin to heal. As one Reddit user, Janet Garlick, put it, you have to “Hurt. Feel the pain. Process it. Cry. Scream into the void. Do not run away from it.” Forgiving yourself is a process, but it starts with accepting your actions and committing to growth.
The Ending: Becoming a Better Friend
The good news? These incidents have profound impact on my life, I have had recurring nightmares for years to come and even fear meeting anyone remotely from the group. It has brought me to ask myself the important question: what kind of person do I want to become? I eventually learned how to make real, healthy friendships. It took time, but I started my first job and slowly built connections with people who saw and valued the real me.
The key was learning to build my self-esteem in a healthy way—not by seeking external validation, but by getting to know myself and being proud of who I am. When you like yourself, you attract people who will like you for you. You stop being that walking red flag people are trying to avoid.
There is something so uniquely powerful about female friendship. It’s a bond where someone sees all sides of you and connects with you on a level that’s purely about who you are. It’s not always easy, but I wish everyone the joy of experiencing this kind of connection! Bon voyage on your own friendship journey! 💕
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Why would someone betray their best friend?
It’s rarely simple. Often, betrayal stems from deep-seated personal issues like insecurity, jealousy, desperation for attention, or a lack of self-worth. In my case, it was my low self-worth and the lack of attention from teacher & peer, not knowing my own values to find the right crowd and not know how to express my emotions well as a teenager; all these pain & unmet needs bottled up and exploded. (Though it never excuses the hurt they cause).
Q: What hurts more, your best friend betraying you or a romantic partner?
A: This is personal, but for myself, a best friend’s betrayal last longer. I think it’s less “intense” than the spikes of hurt when we have a romantic breakup. Romantic heart break is intense but also goes away quicker, especially when you have moved on with a new romantic interests. As friends are the ones we turn to when romantic relationships fail, so losing that foundational support system can feel more devastating and disorienting in the long run.
